When it comes to Monogamy, Why are women, seemingly, better at it than men? Why is it the same storyline over and over and over throughout the ages?
Man meets Women...
Woman and Man Fall in love...
Woman and Man get into relationship...
Man cheats on Woman....
Woman Gets Hurt and/or Leaves...
Man feels like a Bad Person.
It is, rarely, the precious 'Happily Ever After' ending scenario, we ALL FANTASIZE and HOPE for.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
Women, ultimately, want the ONE MAN who provides them with security, protection, and self-confidence. If they find that ONE MAN, they are GOOD! In so many cases if these attributes are fulfilled the woman will be very content with only having eyes for that ONE MAN and there is a strong likelihood she will not 'step out' on her man because of sexual reasons.
WHAT MEN WANT
Men, ultimately, want a woman that can Nurture, Support, Stabilize, and Comfort. When a man finds THAT WOMAN who fulfills these attributes he feels satisfied and, in many ways, complete. However, unlike women, MEN, in most cases, DO still have eyes for other women or still may want to sleep with other women. This attribute of MEN confuses WOMEN.
THE CONFUSION
This confuses WOMEN because it comes across as ungrateful, insensitive, unappreciative, and/or disrespectful when a guy expresses interests or sleeps with someone who is not his significant other. These feelings are justified because women, usually, have dedicated a vast amount of time, energy, emotional investment, dedication and devotion to that ONE GUY. Therefore, It makes the WOMEN feel significantly LESS SPECIAL and makes her 'FEEL DUMB' when a man sexually acts out his sexual desire with another woman who is NOT his significant other.
Men are confused because we have an Innate Need/Desire(or poor excuse), to want to "Spread our Seeds" similar to other Male-Types in nature. The problem is it does not fit within western societies current paradigm of dating. Men can love a women with all of his heart, and still feel the strong urge to copulate with other women who is not his significant other. Grant it, women can be sexually attracted to other guys, even while she is in a relationship, but MEN have an extra impetus that makes us less able to Self'-Control our Urges. Women seem to have the stronger self control of the two Human Types.
QUESTIONS FOR SOLUTIONS
HOW DO WE RECONCILE THESE TWO FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS?
WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE SO THAT WOMEN DON'T GET THEIR FEELINGS HURT?
WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE SO MEN DON'T FEEL SEXUALLY STIFLED or BOXED IN?
IS MONOGAMY DYING?
ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I want to reiterate that this blog entry is VERY VERY generalized to get across a point. It does not include alternative relationships. I understand that there are Exceptions to this General Concept. I know that There are Men out there who are a "One-Women-kind-of-Guy" and there are Women out there who are a "More-Than-One-Man-Kind-Of-Girl", but I believe these are the exceptions. There is SO much more to be said about this Topic and if you have a different viewpoint...Please Share! :). I love being corrected. :) Which is where you come in.
Help me help us understand this perplexing dynamic...please weigh in with your invaluable feedback so we can figure this thing OUT! :)
Love all Y'all,
Jae Haile' Phillips - The Chief Happiness Officer CHO :)
i'm not sure if this question can ever be completely answered. but, i do think that for long term, meant-to-be-monogamous relationships, the likelihood of success is increased by efforts (by both parties) to keep things fresh and new as much as possible to avoid falling into a monotonous regimen where there's no excitement anymore and just boredom... equaling roommates. that becomes a high risk situation.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important for people to keep growing, and when people stop growing as an individual, they can't really function well in a relationship either. I think that people also need to take responsibility for their own happiness instead of expecting it to come from another person as this also puts a lot of bad ju ju on the other person and the relationship. That being said, like tenny said, also need to realize that after the "honeymoon" stage, BOTH people have to keep the relationship as a high priority in their lives! I don't think monogomy is dying, I think people are getting lazy and either don't want to put the work in, or are "projecting" their partner as someone they really aren't, so then they get hurt when the "true nature" of their partner shows up...
ReplyDeleteIf a man or woman wants complete sexual freedom, he/she needs to be honest about that with romantic partners. when/if someone does take the step of commiting to one person, then stick to that commitment. doesn't matter if it's difficult for men or not. men cannot have their cake and eat it too. 99% of women would not accept or be happy in a so-called "open" relationship. men: do you want a loving woman to nurse you when your'e sick, stand by u & support u if you lose your job, b there when the world turns its back on u, know u inside & out - and still luv u, b there for u thru death of friends/family members, in short, b with u thru the end - then you need to be monogamous. it's a DECISION - not a feeling. monogamy & marriage take strength of character, not people who act on passing fancies. greatest advice i ever heard about long-term committed relationships: there WILL come a day when u look at your partner and think "who IS this person? i'm not in love with him/her anymore." it's at those times that you should act even MORE loving, be more appreciative of your partner, etc., knowing that the love WILL come back. as u act, so shall it be. I SALUTE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL & COMMITTED COUPLES OUT THERE!! :)
ReplyDeleteI wish there was a "Like" button for this comment, because I love it! Love is more than a feeling--it's a choice to stay committed to someone even when the feeling fades, and it's a choice to work to get that feeling back with the same person rather than replacing it with lust after other people.
DeleteMonogamy is a choice to put the other person's feelings and your love for them ahead of your urges. Faithfulness is a sign of maturity, integrity and strength of character--three things that make relationships work.
When you are tempted to cheat, it's a question of what you value more--a brief moment of pleasure with someone you are not in a relationship with, or a committed relationship with someone who loves you deeply? If sleeping with "mr./ms. right now" means losing or hurting "mr./ms. right", is it really worth it?
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ReplyDeletegod, can't a person edit without delete?
DeleteHere's my 2 cents. First -- Men do not provide women with self-confidence -- their own strengths and abilities and growth and development of their own belief system provide them with self-confidence - if you are going for women who expect you to provide them with self-confidence -- you are already in a circle which can only end in a doomed relationship, and make a man feel inadequate (since he cannot do what cannot be done -- being supportive is great but you don't provide self-confidence) and with that sense of inadequacy, he may search out new women who will for a while make him feel adequate, new exciting. Such a cycle can only be broken by each person finding their confidence through their own development. That's hard, for sure, maybe a different universe, but I do think it is fair to say -- that concept of self-confidence of women as a gift from men is not valid, and not real. Occasional protection, that works, why not, but clearly women in this world better be able to protect themselves a good deal of the time. As for women only having eyes for one man...you're kidding, right? Women not being driven physically, sexually, toward more than one man...? Uh, not true, as far as I know. Maybe they decide they just have too much to do to sleep around when they think they have a good one. In general. Maybe. But saying a man can't control himself sexually is like saying he also can't control himself from committing violence -- that's what a guy does, right? Biologically driven is not a good enough answer these days. Not for rape, not for infidelity, not for nothing. Whoever said it above, I agree with -- it's a decision -- and if someone decides monogamy is not what they want -- they need to say so, not expect it from their "partner", nor expect that person to be there whenever they are needed. They need to be truthful and be with those who either feel the same and don't want to be monogamous --- or find someone who doesn't believe in their own worth enough to think they deserve one person in exchange for their own full commitment -- that is easy enough to find in this world which knocks people down, women down, so badly. It is dishonest, disingenuous, to imagine that merely telling the truth -- Um, I like, gotta have a lot of women, are you down? -- is enough to make things fine, in a world that has pretty well shit on many women in many ways, leaving that "honest" but disingenuous man a whole big field to play in of women who don't feel good about themselves and will put up with it though they want a committed relationship. Anyway, sure, it takes strength of character. Everything good does. And while men have historically been given free rein in this realm, getting away with lopsided failure in what were supposed to be "monogamous" relationships - that's changing as it well should. And you know, most men who are honest about it themselves would not want their daughters to have to deal with the same crap their mothers have. Things are changing, but another thing -- if you don't feel that women have felt sexually stifled and bored and boxed in with great regularity in their monogamous relationships, again, you are fooling yourself. I mean, really, come on. That's a cliche. Bored, desperate housewives. Molly Bloom. In other words -- the problem is a lot more similar for both genders than you are admitting. Of course women with children have for obvious reasons put up with that more often than the men have -- but in many senses, you are making a false dichotomy, rather than seeing a problem that both sides of a couple, both men and women, need to figure out -- together if they are in a couple. It may also be that very very boring and/or narcissistic people need a constant change in bed. That's not confidence, but utter lack of it. Ok, that was more like a nickel than 2 cents. Let me know what you figure out.... sorry my name is there. But I stand by what I say.
ReplyDeleteWhat about These Guys "POLYAMRIST" OPEN LOVE CONCEPT?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_t3#/video/bestoftv/2012/08/23/drew-bts-couples-live-love-and-sleep-together.hln
You ladies have offered very invaluable insight to this topic...However, No one has yet answered the question why guys, seemingly, choose less times to be faithful than women?
ReplyDeleteFor this it seems we would do well to consider social pressures and socially-designated gender roles, particularly those imposed by a loooooong history of male-dominated, misogynistic societies. Consider as a comparison the reaction one is likely to have to public displays of affection between same-sex couples. It seems silly to argue that either male-male couples or female-female couples are more "natural" or "unnatural", however, again from experience, if two attractive females were to engage in public displays of affection one would expect a very different reaction from the people around than if two attractive males were to engage in a public display of affection. I think we can eliminate the possibility that there is a biological basis to the difference in reactions, as, using the argument of social conservatives, neither of these scenarios is more or less likely to produce offspring. It seems we must therefore conclude that social factors have a part to play in defining at least portions of our sexual mind and behavior.
ReplyDeleteThere are two other reasons I feel it would be wise to discount the biological argument. One is that there are examples in nature of monogamous behavior. Everyone knows of the swan, but there have also been examples of monogamy found amongst wolves, eagles, penguins (although they are monogamous for a mating season until offspring are independent, not necessarily for life. But i have heard of a pair of monogamous homosexual penguins, but I haven't verified this...), and other creatures. So there is evidence of monogamy in nature certainly.
But more importantly, i think, is that we are no longer living strictly under mother-natures rule. We have formed societies organized on a scale beyond anything found in nature, and to assume the rules of nature apply in exactly the same fashion is a dangerous proposition indeed. This assumption leads you dangerously close to Social Darwinism and concepts like "poor people starve because they are stupider and lazier than rich people, so their death and suffering is nature's way of developing a stronger species." There are many historical cases of the disgusting acts people are capable of when they submit to these ideas, and this argument has absolutely zero historical basis. In my experience and research many of the people who slave away their entire lives die with exactly what they had when they came into the world: Nothing.
And, as Anya indicated above, if your are a member of a society you necessarily submit to the social contract. A society cannot function efficiently with all members acting as beasts. Freud might disagree, but i don't fully submit to his ideas...
And so, I feel the only conclusion one can justifiably come to is that men are less faithful and more promiscuous precisely because society expects and allows them to be so. Consider the implications found in the vocabulary we use to describe a sexually active male versus a sexually active female. Words for a promiscuous male include; pimp, player, stud, ladies-man, macho man, etc. All have somewhat positive connotations. Words for a promiscuous female include; whore, slut, skank, etc. All have blatantly negative connotations. Our society has simply been constructed through the ages to allow for male promiscuity while severely vilifying female promiscuity and sexual activity, to the point where we now have elected officials who argue that there is such a thing as "legitimate and illegitimate rape."
So in short, men are almost encouraged by the subliminal messages of our society to sleep around, while women are very blatantly denied this privilege. So of course men would find cheating a much easier decision than women. To a man, cheating is "just what we all do", while to a woman, cheating is what "trashy whores" do.
Polyamory is a very interesting topic.
ReplyDeleteMy brother actually had an interesting way of looking at this whole thing - that there's something special about a key that can open a lot of locks but it's not cool when a lock can be opened by many keys...
Okay . . . so what if we were simply to look at our reptilian brain. The masculine wants to sow his seed prolifically. He wants offspring (not consciously, silly, at least in these times, but we are talking about unconscious, old bran stuff), and he wants lot's, so he'll spread his seed everywhere. The feminine ends up being the one looking after these offspring, and she needs someone stronger to keep her and the babe safe and fed. So the most likely candidate is the one who sowed the seed. Here then, is the beginning of our potential struggles with each other, hidden away in our animal/instinctual brain.
ReplyDelete